Feeling Trapped

In 2015 I had a great career, I loved to socialize, go on trips, plan lunches and dinners with friends and most of all just be around people. I didn’t really know what Anxiety was although I had heard of other people having it, I just couldn’t relate.

I started working long hours, sometimes 6am-6pm and most of those hours I was under pretty intense deadlines, and almost everything coming across my desk was a top priority to the point where I really just couldn’t breathe. It was making me so tense, my shoulders, neck and back were in an insane amount of pain from sitting in the same position for such long hours and I didn’t know what to do. When this all started I was telling my Doctor about the physical pain and eventually he prescribed me Prednisone because I couldn’t continue to live in pain. So I took the pills, they’re basically just an intense Advil however, because I’m so sensitive to everything, I couldn’t take them at work because they were making me dizzy. Again I went back to my Doctor several times over the course of about six months. Because he’s not big on pills for everything (which I love), we tried a variety of different things, however, everything was getting worse. I was rapidly developing what I know now to be very extreme Anxiety.

Coming to terms with this wasn’t easy for me, I didn’t want to be labelled, judged, treated differently, spoken badly about and frankly I didn’t want anyone to know. Knowing what I know now, all of this is very common. Most of us hide it thinking that somehow if we don’t admit it out loud or tell anyone that it will maybe just go away and not interrupt our lives.

We hide from society.

And I did just that…. which ended up making it worse. My days consisted of going to work and going home and other than that, I didn’t want to leave the house. I would drive to the gym and sit in my car paralyzed and not able to get out. How can my mind have this much control over me? I would get invited to an event and either decline or cancel last minute. I would go to the Doctor and tell him, I’m young, I’m not bad looking, I have so many opportunities in life, I don’t understand why I can’t just snap out of this.

Nothing I did was working.

I tried so hard to treat this by researching it and trying natural remedies such as cutting out all caffeine, herbal medicines, sleeping more, journaling, acupuncture and breathing techniques. Yet, nothing really seemed to help. I was so against trying a prescription for Anxiety…after all… I didn’t want to be dependent on pills for something “this ridiculous that I CAN control”.    

My mind was taking over my body and I felt trapped.

I was so embarrassed the day I finally gave in and listened to the Doctors advice to try a very low grade Anti-Anxiety medication. I felt defeated. I felt shame. From someone who had always been such a socialite who loved life and being in the spot light to someone who was merely a shell of that person. My Doctor promised me that if I didn’t like the medication that we could come off it anytime and I was sure that I would be back, asking to come off it as soon as possible. What I didn’t know is letting the Doctor take this into his own hands and finally “giving in” was going to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.

After all, he is a DOCTOR!

So it took me a few months to truly feel myself again (maybe 4-6 months) but when it finally happened it was as if I transferred back into my own body and knew just how to operate it. Not everything came back right away, I had to work on being social again and wanting to get active. I had gained weight from hiding at home for a few years that honestly I’m STILL trying to get rid of but the most important part of it all is that I got my life back.

I learned that Anxiety isn’t who I am.

And through many years of personal and professional development I’ve learned to love and appreciate my life and everything that I have to offer. I’ve developed my skills to a point where I feel valuable and I appreciate everything so much more. I’m still taking the medication and boy does it feel scary to share that with the world but it’s part of me and it helps me to feel my best. It’s definitely not “cured” and I don’t think it ever will be, however, most days are good days and when I am finding myself feeling anxious, I have more control over it now and I try not to let it control me.

I’m happy to be where I am now and I highly encourage anyone who is struggling in any way to trust their Doctors and to take the advice given. Don’t wait, don’t try to treat it yourself, and lastly, don’t try to hide it because whatever it is, there are most likely other people out there struggling too. You aren’t alone.

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2 thoughts on “Feeling Trapped

  1. Very well written honey and thanks so much for sharing as we all go through tough times in our lives and usually hide it from everybody. You are a strong, smart, beautiful young lady with a heart of gold and many great years ahead of you. Hugs, Auntie Deb. ❤️❤️❤️💋💋

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  2. My precious niece Lindsey,
    I am so proud of you telling your journey with depression. It takes a lot of guts to share your story. Depression can be ugly and all consuming as you know. It hit me head on in 1995 after my precious brother died who as you know is your grandfather My whole world turned black for a long time. I am so glad you are taking medication and doing much better! You just keep fighting and never, ever give up. Love you to the moon and back. Auntie
    Bonnie

    Like

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